How do you trust again after a betrayal? Be like a starfish

It’s hard to find statistics related to infidelity. It’s not naturally the kind of thing people admit to. There are studies that suggest up to a quarter of people in long-term relationship are unfaithful at some point. But in all likelihood that figure is probably higher.

For those in long-term relationships a partner’s infidelity can trigger significant emotional trauma. But people can and do move on. Like a starfish, which can heal its wounds and generate new cells – even grow new limbs – people can heal the emotional wounds caused by betrayal. It can take years, but it is possible to regenerate and start again.

Sonya* was devastated to discover her husband’s infidelity but was determined to make the relationship work. They had been together for almost 15 years and her husband appeared contrite so she decided to give him a second chance. Sonya knew that if she was going to make work, she had to trust him again. She accepted that she was going to trust him and didn’t dwell on it.

A year later, after couples therapy and trying to move on, Sonya knew there was something missing. The specialness that defined their relationship was gone. And the effort Sonya was putting into the relationship wasn’t coming back to her. She made the difficult decision to walk away.

Learning to trust again

In moving on, Sonya found that trusting that a new partner wouldn’t cheat on her wasn’t the issue. It was more about being able to trust people in general. Her husband had lied to her for so long and so convincingly that a sense of distrust crept into all her other relationships. “Is everyone else lying to me, too?” she wondered.

Working with a counsellor helped Sonya rebuild her trust in people. Six years on, she is now in a committed relationship.

Self-reflection was an important part of moving on. Sonya will often stop and consider if her new partner has ever given her cause to feel uneasy, or if those feelings are a hangover from her husband’s betrayal.

Finding clarity and confidence

For Jamie*, the betrayal was twofold. When her partner had an affair with someone of the opposite sex, Jamie felt like the past 20 years were a complete lie. It didn’t make sense. She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that not only had her partner cheated on her, but she didn’t identify as gay anymore, either, and felt like she never truly had been.

While this revelation came out of the blue, in hindsight Jamie admits there were signs over the years. “I should have trusted my instinct. I knew something wasn’t quite right but love dominated everything for me,” she said.

“A lifetime together and you make so many assumptions that things are OK. But it’s the length of time that dictates this and not the quality of the relationship. You don’t even think about a lack of trust when you get to a certain stage.”

The betrayal of trust was a dealbreaker for Jamie. She needed an immediate split. “I pushed myself to get divorced and sort out the finances ASAP. It was like doing a major life clear-out. I was done and needed closure.”

Jump forward three years and Jamie is in a new relationship. Going into it she was preoccupied with wondering how to trust again when her real-life experience said otherwise.

“Being betrayed is not like in the movies, it’s real hurt,” she said. “What helps is being able to talk to your new partner, telling them you have trust and insecurity issues and working on that together.”

Friends were also a great comfort for Jamie – she openly shared her feelings with them and her family. She is also seeing a counsellor regularly. Their focus is not on getting over the past but about navigating the present in light of it. “I know now that my expectations of my new relationship can’t be based on the past one. I have to change and adapt while still trying to be myself.”

When Jamie thinks about trust nowadays, she realises it’s about belief in herself. “Do I trust myself to make the right decision? I have to have the clarity and confidence to trust myself, and that’s what I’m working on.”

Starting over

For anyone suddenly on their own after the breakdown of a long-term relationship, particularly as a result of an infidelity, therapy can be a steadying force. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website has a handy directory for locating a therapist in your area. If you’d prefer to meet with a counsellor online, Fettle.ie matches you with a relevant therapist.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who’ve been through a similar situation. They can often help to reassure you that you’re not alone. You can find support groups online or in person. And don’t be afraid to lean on friends and family who can offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

And lean on yourself, too. You are your own best advocate, after all. Journalling can be a great way to tease out how you’re feeling. Through writing you can often find resolution and clarity.

“By keeping a journal, I get to cast out the overwhelming thoughts onto paper to help clear my mind,” said Jamie. “I now realise that I end up arriving at a conclusion by writing. I find it revealing and therapeutic.”

This ability to take stock and reflect can guide you as you step into new relationships and, importantly, it can also show you how far you’ve come. You can rebuild your trust and confidence.

* Names have been changed