How is therapy-speak being weaponised?

Red flags. Toxic traits. Trauma dumping. If you browse TikTok for a few minutes, it won’t be long before you’re exposed to a trend that involves one of these terms.

As a society, we’ve become more comfortable sharing (and oversharing) personal experiences online, and therapy is no exception. What was once a taboo subject for boomers is now meme fodder for Gen Z-ers, who have mastered the art of finding humour in mental health.

The proliferation of these phrases in social media is part of a growing phenomenon known as ‘therapy-speak’.

What is therapy-speak?

Therapy-speak is when psychological terms traditionally reserved for a therapy session filter into everyday conversations. For example, declining a party invite would be ‘setting a boundary’.

The seepage of therapy-speak into our vernacular isn’t necessarily a negative thing. The rise of this practice in recent years means mental health issues are now discussed in a more matter-of-fact way, rather than in hushed tones. Removing this stigma is paramount, especially for young people, as it equips them with the tools they need to recognise and discuss unhealthy behaviour.

A prime example of this occurred in 2018, when Love Island contestant Adam Collard’s inappropriate comments prompted Women’s Aid to issue a statement, urging viewers to call out gaslighting in relationships. Tying mental health awareness to a show watched by millions showed how therapy-related language could be magnified and used for good.

However, there are disadvantages to therapy-speak. In many cases, it is used inaccurately – for example, describing someone organised as ‘OCD’ or the purchase of a designer handbag as ‘self-care’. Another argument is that it’s making us selfish and can strip conversations of any sense of humanity, leading to clinical, impersonal interactions with others.

The most worrying downside, however, is the misuse of therapy-speak to exert control in relationships.

Jonah Hill and the weaponisation of therapy-speak

In early July, actor Jonah Hill was the subject of a well-documented controversy wherein his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, shared screenshots of texts he allegedly sent her. In one of the screenshots, Hill purportedly referred to the violation of his “boundaries for romantic partnership”, which included “surfing with men”, “post[ing] pictures of yourself in a bathing suit”, and “friendships with women who are in unstable places”.

Though portrayed as personal boundaries, these do not fall under that category. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not a demand you place on someone else. As clinical psychologist Perpetua Noa put it, “Boundaries do not refer to how you can package your dislikes and disapprovals into controlling someone’s life.”

One potential reason a person may use this kind of language is to legitimise their feelings. Instead of saying ‘I’m not happy you did that’, which sounds like a personal gripe, ‘You are violating my boundaries’ comes across as a stronger statement, appearing to be a definite indictment of the accusee.

This alleged misinterpretation of boundary-setting, whether intentional or not, is all the more unsettling as Hill is a vocal advocate of self-help and even directed a documentary last year about his relationship with his therapist (parts of which play out like an SNL-style ‘LA actor goes to therapy’ sketch).

I spoke to Davina Clements, a specialist in relationship conflict resolution, about the controversy surrounding Hill. She agreed that such behaviour was indicative of narcissistic personality disorder.

“Control is equivalent to power for narcissists,” Clements explained. “Narcissists go for a particular type of personality,” she continued, adding that a controlling personality is likely to be drawn to someone more adaptable, open to compromise, and willing to go with the flow.

How to navigate therapy-speak in your relationship

If this seems eerily similar to your own relationship and you believe your partner is guilty of misusing therapy-speak, there are a few steps Clements advises taking.

Step 1: Educate yourself

Are you constantly trying to change yourself to avoid upsetting your partner? Are they placing limits on who you see, what you wear, and what you post online? It’s important to recognise signs of coercive control and emotional abuse. Where possible, avoid armchair diagnoses and seek professional advice.

Step 2: Evaluate the relationship’s value

Next, ask yourself: is the relationship worth investing in? It’s likely that you’re still in love with this person and you want to make it work. If the issue seems less like manipulation and more like a clash of communication styles, you may decide that couples’ therapy is the right option for you. Even if the relationship is a lost cause, this step will help you exit it with no regrets.

Step 3: Make an exit plan

If coercive control and/or emotional abuse are at play, you might skip step 2 and start planning how to end the relationship. Depending on your situation, you may need to assess your legal and financial rights. You will need all the support you can get here, so be sure to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional body such as Women’s Aid.

Don’t turn a blind eye to behaviour that devalues your self-esteem. Therapy-speak can seem innocuous at first but when it starts to turn sinister, that’s when you need to take action.

If you need support or information, call the national freephone helpline for domestic abuse on 1800 341 900, or visit SafeIreland.ie to find your local helpline.