The orgasm gap is real: Here’s what you need to know about it

The orgasm gap is a simple concept: men orgasm more often than women. Though it sounds anecdotal, its existence has been scientifically proven, with a 2017 US study showing that 95% of straight men orgasm when they have sex compared to 65% of straight women.

Is it safe to assume then that women just find it harder to orgasm than men? Not exactly. The above study noted a much higher rate of orgasm for lesbian women (86%), while the foundational Hite Report found that women who masturbate orgasm 95% of the time.

So, why the difference between heterosexual men and women?

Why the orgasm gap exists

For those of us who didn’t grow up with programmes like Sex Education, our early understanding of sex was likely formed from movie scenes that suggested six thrusts were all that was required for an earth-shattering orgasm.

As we grew older and began to explore porn, we were bombarded with categories geared towards male gratification while the ‘For women’ section was relegated to the corner as a niche interest. Sex and intimacy specialist Grace Alice Ó Sé agrees porn has a part to play in the disparity between male and female pleasure but points out: “Porn is not designed to be educational; it’s designed to be entertainment.”

She adds: “In the lack of good, comprehensive, age-appropriate, sex-positive sex education, we turn to porn to answer our questions about sex.” Which is like relying on Grey’s Anatomy to earn your medical degree.

Speaking of education, our Irish Catholic-centred schooling has a lot to answer for. In an all-girls convent, you get the basic package: how to put a condom on a banana while your SPHE teacher dies of embarrassment. Everything centres around the mechanics and not the emotion. Less ‘make sure you enjoy yourself’, more ‘make sure you don’t get pregnant’. Why worry about pleasing yourself when you can please Jesus through abstinence?

According to Dr Laurie Mintz, much of the blame for the orgasm gap can be attributed to the “cultural ignorance of the clitoris”. Research shows less than one-fifth of women can achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Many women need clitoral stimulation and even those that don’t say that orgasms are better with it. But because it’s not what we see on TV or the internet, we may feel like we’re weird for wanting it.

And let’s not forget our good old friend, the patriarchy. Traditional masculinity norms put pressure on men to be sexually virile and bring home the orgasm, and at the same time stigmatise women for having the same sexual appetite as a man. It’s a lose-lose!

What to do about it

Of course, sex doesn’t have to be centred around an orgasm. As Grace points out, you don’t gobble through your starter and main course just to get to the dessert. And sometimes you don’t even have dessert. Likewise, sex can be meaningful and great without an orgasm.

That said, you’re more than entitled to want one – and to ask.

It’s normal to be anxious about bringing up the topic with your sexual partner. You might be worried about hurting their feelings or maybe you’re simply mortified that you have to say “my clitoris” out loud. Grace’s advice? “Feel embarrassed and do it anyway.” Yes, it’s embarrassing but the more you do it, the easier it will be. The only way out is through.

Also, don’t enter into the conversation thinking it will be a negative experience. Instead, focus on what you like and the existing positives of your sex life. And think of all the fun you both could have from trying out something new!

Get more comfortable talking about sex with the help of Grace Alice Ó Sé’s masterclass on dara & co.